Post #4: “Friendships, Fights, and Finding Their People”

(From the series: Raising Her Right — A Mother’s Journey Through the Pre-Teen Years)

It starts small — an unreturned text, a silent lunch, a whispered secret that wasn’t shared with her. And suddenly, your daughter’s world feels like it’s falling apart. Her best friend has “chosen someone else,” the group chat went quiet, and she doesn’t know where she fits anymore.

As mothers, we feel it too — that deep ache when our child is excluded, hurt, or confused. We want to shield them, fix it, pull them out of school for a week if needed. But friendship — real, raw, messy friendship — is part of the work of growing up.

And it’s one of the hardest.

🌀 What Friendship Looks Like Now

Pre-teen and teen friendships are no longer about who shares their crayons. They’re about identity, belonging, and survival in a world that’s shifting beneath their feet. At this age, friendships can feel all-consuming — full of fierce loyalty, dramatic fallouts, and overwhelming emotions.

What’s important to remember: it’s all normal.

It’s not failure — it’s formation. This is how they learn what trust looks like. How they start to name boundaries. How they discover who makes them feel safe, seen, and whole.

🤝 How We Can Support Them (Without Taking Over)

1. Resist the urge to fix it.

It’s painful to watch her hurt, but this is her emotional gym. These growing pains help her build resilience and relational wisdom.

2. Ask open-ended questions.

Not “What happened now?” but “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you need from me right now?”

3. Validate without escalating.

Instead of “That girl is awful,” try “It makes sense that you feel hurt. That was really unfair.” Let her take the lead in naming what’s right and wrong.

4. Share your own stories.

Tell her about your messy middle school moments — the ones where you felt awkward, excluded, unsure. It bridges the gap between “You’ll be fine” and “I’ve been there.”

5. Teach what real friendship looks like.

Empathy. Boundaries. Shared joy. The freedom to be yourself. Help her define what it feels like to be with the right people, not just who looks popular.

💬 From One Mother to Another

This part of growing up is turbulent — and crucial. Your daughter is figuring out who she is by choosing who she stands beside. Some friendships will fade. Some will break her heart. But some will shape her for life.

Our job isn’t to control the storm. It’s to remind her, gently and often, that she deserves friendships where she is celebrated, not just tolerated. Where she can laugh loudly, cry freely, and be completely herself.

Let’s teach her that friendships don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

And that she’s never alone, even when it feels like it.

🔗 Next in the Series:

Post #5: “Social Media & Self-Worth: When Likes Start to Matter”

(A mother’s guide to helping daughters stay grounded in a digital world.)